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hi i wuld suggest u to find a job to divert ur mind, and leave ur husband to himself,
All the best
krishna
(Rated by 13 Council Members)
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Both of you need a counsellor to understand this problem better & suggest a solution to implement the plan tactfully but firmly.
Fight this problem with all your might, GOD is with you on your side, my sister. Do not lose hope & do not accept defeat. This way you shall learn to handle your husband better.
You shall be the final winner, just keep your spirits up & keep your mental balance in these trying times, with the help of Yoga Pranayama of Swami Ramdev of India. Try www.YogaPranayama.com… for more information on his works.
(Rated by 13 Council Members)
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Hi savita, the most gifted person of this women species, you should be the happiest person in this world. Only because your husband things that you are important for him he is caring and working a lot for you. Don't thing that you are not important. IF you don't have any work to do improve something in art, reading and writing. You can join in ammas.com and share your views to others. You can write a book on your loving husband. Don't anymore complain about him to others and all will think you bad. Instead appreciate him in each and every thing he does. Hope you would have read marriage and relationship category here and understood how women suffer after marriage. Just thank God for his precious gift to you in husband form. You can devout a lot to spiritualism. If you have time join in art of living centre for a basic course and as a volunteer you can do something for others. visit www.artofliving.org… to get details of your nearest centre in Texas. You will become more positive and confidant person. Smile always since you have born to smile.
(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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hi savita
how r u? I can understand your problem because i feel that too much of everything is bad. I mean to say that extreme of everything is bad. Now, what u have to do is, don't sit idle but don't get engrossed in household tasks. Let your hubby do that if he loves to. u look for a job and try to get some job for you to keep yourself occupied. and side by side you can join some course so that u stay outside for some time and your mind will be free of all such things. don't loose confidence. u r good in all things.Be what u r. u do the things in the best way. look out for a job. have your own identoty. and then u'll feel good and the things will definitely improve
Regards
Vani
(Rated by 13 Council Members)
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Dear Savit,
I thoroughly read your story. I am so surprised that why are you upset. You don't worry atleast. First Now the time is passed away . You should have to discuss these thing when you got married. But don't worry. You don't interfere your husband work. If he thinks that he is perfectionist in all things then let him think of that. You start doing What I am telling you . You have to encourage him of his work. You should only see how he is doing and try to understand his style of work. Only encourage him that's all. Try to grasp his way of doing work and pratice it in his absence.
Secondly, this is good for you that he is helping you. You have to work hard and prove him that you are not only good in house work but also can do other work also. You have do some other work like hobby classes. You have start making your personality like in beauty wise. You always try to make you fit , fine and uptodate. Try to do some other work like painting, singing, computer work, share knowledge, Market knowledge, Dance,Interior Decorator , fasion designing etc.
You try to involve yourself in other'work in his absence . When ever he comes in the home, you should be ready in all respect in cloth wise, make up wise. Give me water and if he wants give him tea and let him do whatever he wants to do. You just encourage him of his work. Doing you job what I said. Don;t worry atll.
Be happy ,, May god give you success.
(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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Hi Savita,
Unique problem definitely.What i feel is that your husband is a perfectionist and has been taught or has been doing his work on his own from the very beginning.I also feel that there is lack of trust in others.
But all that apart let me not give a character judgement here.Lets handle the situation in a positive way.Its easy to show people how to do things better when u just have one or two tasks to improve on.When the whole responsibility is yours its a different ball game.Try what i tried with my hubby,just challenge him to manage the entire month of household chores and budgetting by himself.Whn he will have to do the entire office and house management it will become stressful for him.
On the other side if he is so interested in handling this himslef why dont you look at other avenues.Like picking up a hobby yourself ,join a dance class .Meet up with people for dinners,movies ,lunches etc.Give yourself a break .Just taking care of your house is not your sole responsilbility,you have a life of your own.
So a two way track will help which will let you unwind and enjoy and make your husband see and value what you have been doing.
(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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I guess only communication within both you can help. I understand u have already tried. But give one more try conveying that excess of everything is bad. Try by giving example other way round. Like what will he feel if you only do all the job he is suppose to do to get his own satisfaction like his office/business work that gives an individual the required satisfaction. Discuss on the basic human needs which is applicable to all including him. Try explaining him your perspective from your angle. Ask him to get in the discussion without any bias. Along with this u can practice one more thing - acknowledging and complimenting him for the good job done. May be this would help.
(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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First half of your query is really gives us the feeling of understanding and caring and with a sharing attitude, serious with life and an overall feeling of every going fine and you as a lucky wife to have such a husband.
But your next para pointing the feelings of you both – different way of approach and both of your tendency to prove each other – some ego and attitudes which irritating you – as you feel he can’t admit your ability to do work independently even house hold works but there is no need to feel blamed or disrespect to you from his part.
To many persons doing things themselves whatever they need with their own hands and management is a subject of their satisfaction level/self satisfaction. The best way is to share the works as possible and hearing and conveying the mind through words frankly whenever you feel such a negligence/disrespect feeling.
Your feeling what ever it should be conveyed and discussed with your husband but not in the presence of your son. Try to resolve the negative feelings within the four wall of your bed room. Try to understand your husband’s values, and explain your own, by nurture your fondness and admiration, by reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities and antidotes for contempt. Changing another person is the hardest thing to do. It will be easier if you work on his mind than his habits.
Search for common grounds instead of insisting on your way and by exploring the possibility of compromise and reconciliation whatever and wherever possible. Also request your husband in good mood and love fully to not to display such difference which will send wrong signals and messages on your child. This is a serious thing. Because your child is in his character molding age, also such practice will crease in him disrespect towards you.
(Rated by 11 Council Members)
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I have got the whole situation u r going through.this is quite natural phase of reaction u r acting upon.see a normal scenario for house wife must be that she is queen of her house,she performs all duties and her husban does not interfere in her household programs rather he will always appreciate her,her work,her programs,hers schduels etc..he must help her wife in household work while giving her an upper hand in every household scenarios.
Now see ur case is differs in a sense that just believe me ur hubby is having an OBSESSION, yes OBSESSION of cleanliness,and OVER CONFIDENCE that also is very much part of his OBSESSION.he will not hear/understnad what u r saying,he does not need u for it but needs a Counceler/Phychologist.due to his this mental problem he over loads himself n saya again n again that he is the perfect.he is having Obsession of perfectism.he cares more abt the work rather than ur feelings,he will continue this n will not change,bcoz its his mental problem,not to get satisfied with anyothers work.not only with u he does this but due to his prob he will be dominant on others as well.u must not share his prob to usual people,it will not help u but can go negative for u to share with others,just search out a counceler make ur hubby feel that u r going through some depression,pretend that u r taking treatment,then during that treatment they will call ur hubby,so discussions with ur hubby will be a treatment of his mental problem.don discuss with him directly that hes sffering from some mental prob instead only work as i directed.
(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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Hi Savita,
Sorry Savita, I am also a person with the same consolation to you.
Dont feel knocked off always. Dont see your husband as a different person, always he is yours.
Generally problems are like husbands are rude in their behaviour.
But as such your husband is not rude, in fact he helps you so much. such a big positive in your husband.
People both positives and negatives, when negatives are alone viewed, then the person becomes a bad man to any one.
Likewise, your husband has a negative in him, like he shows his perfection in your work.
I am not fully supporting your husband, he can appreciate your work.
but he is not doing it.
You say he redoes the work to shows his perfection in your work. But one thing to think over is, your husband does not complain or grin or shout at you at this moment, but he recorrects in a smooth and lovely way.
That's something to remember always.
Please never develop a feeling in your mind that you are disposable object.
Becos of you only, your home is peaceful and your husband and child are peaceful.
When their minds are peaceful only, they can be successful.
So your husband's success is purely because of you.
This is need not be told and this is the underlying fact always.
Be proud of your husband. He is yours. So dont miss him out.
You are the best wife for your husband and please appreciate him for his work.
Whenever he redoes your work to show his perfection, you be the first person to appreciate him.
Just appreciate him whereever you can and please wait for a situation to speak to your husband to tell him that you get hurt sometimes.
Prefer to mail him instead of speaking to him.
Just mail a sentence saying you expect appreciation from him.
Just give some time savita to your husband.
Dont keep this in mind, just throw it away.
Think and see how you will feel if were having a husband who is totally unhelpful.
Most of the ladies struggle with such a type of husband.
Even when wifes are not feeling well they dont take care.
I feel you are in a better state.
Just
ignore what you cant change.
But try your best to change.
surely your husband will understand.
Finally, I say again, your husband is successfull in everything only because of you. You are the key person in the house.
Everything revolves around you.
Your husband will also feel the same thing.
(Rated by 13 Council Members)
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I think you are really bored about a good hubby...Tell him that you are the home maker.. Make him understand that you need to take decisions at matters at home, want to cook for your family and make it clean.Since he is so good, he will understand your feelings.
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(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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Aparajita Chatterjee recommends:
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Savita,
It looks like your very caring husband has real issue with control and self confidence. He is trying to act 'God' and making you feel that you cannot do anything without him. May be he is feeling insecured that's why he is trying to prove that he is THE BEST. I would suggest you pay less attention to what he is doing. Just find some more efficient ways to spend your time. Do you have a visa which allows you to work? Then start working in the first job you find out. Do not ask foe permission, just let your husband know that you are doing it and the decision is taken. Do you have access to money? If not then ask for a credit card and joint account. Tell clearly that you are not a showpiece in house, you need to have your own life. If you have access to money, go and buy stuff and do not even show him or ask for his comments. He wants to do all work- fine let him. Do not clean the house, do laundry or cook. just tell him sweetly that 'since you always prefer to do it yourself I did not waste time/money by doing same thing twice.' Let him be a full time homemaker and a breadwinner - it is not easy. Once you stop doing he might feel the brunt and ask for your help. Then tell him that it is your house too and he cannot act an examiner when you do things your way. I would suggest you talk to a therapist which will help you to bear this frustration. When he is doing everything - start doing some volunteer effort, keep yourself busy may be join ammas.com, start volunteering in some old age homes, local library, join some class, start a hobby, make new friends and chat with them over weekends when he is doing all that he thinks he can do better and ignore him. Once he finds his control technique is not working and you are still happy with yourself the situation might change. On a good day tell your husband factually about how you feel and see what he says. Ask him if he is ready to go for some couple therapy - tell him that you are having problems so you both should go for therapy.
Hold on their, keep your foot down and demand your rights. Things should be better soon
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(Rated by 12 Council Members)
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