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My Dear Sister ancia mary,
Your marriage is in deep danger here, as apparently your husband is two timing you in front of your very eyes. He & that lady are heading for a disaster & it is your duty to stop him. There must be laws in USA to stop your husband & also that lady. Just search the internet for local woman groups & meet them to help you out. They must guide you how to tactfully handle that lady out of your husbands life.
You have to firm, but very tactful in handling this mess, which you have been tolerating since long. You are not going to tolerate it any longer with the help of local groups. Put down your feet & stop her coming to your house within days.
Please convince your husband to shift his residence in the opposite direction from the office. Do not buy a new car till your problem is solved totally. Your husband is not his driver, why even allow her to sit in the back seat of YOUR car. They cannot travel in the same bus, given the circumstances. Your husband is a spineless opportunist & it is your duty to set him right. The US culture does not permit adultery. In fact, as per the laws in USA, you may be entitled to a lot of alimony & share in the property of your husband if you divorce him, but please make sure of your rights there first hand.
If even after shifting the residence the problem does not stop, he may have to change job too to keep him away from that lady. Keep your eyes & ears open on your husbands all activities & insist on accompanying him, where ever he goes after office hours.
You must have a frank talk with your husband & tell him that you alone are entitled to all his 100% love, affection, time & sex and no other lady has any right to come near your husband.
You have to confront that lady too very firmly, but tactfully. Be prepared for a showdown with that lady the next time she even insults you even slightly or indirectly. Your local groups should prepare you for this. Couple of such confrontations should make her realise your strengths.
Fight this problem with all your might, GOD is with you on your side, my sister. Do not lose hope & do not accept defeat. This way you shall learn to handle you in-laws back home too.
You shall be the final winner, just keep your spirits up & keep your mental balance in these trying times, with the help of Yoga Pranayama of Swami Ramdev of India. Try www.YogaPranayama.com… for more information on his works.
- Your Hindu Brother from India.
(Rated by 9 Council Members)
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You should remember one thing first beauty lies in heart so internal beauty is eternal. So don't bother others.In-laws will have have this problem of adjusting with a girl whom they did not choose. A little adjustment is needed. Happy that your husband loves you a lot. Wish you to be happy throughout your life.
But your present problem is little hitting somewhere. Don't have blind faith with anybody who loves you. Be careful in your walks of life. That lady seems to be a disturbing factor in your life. What you husband tells you is a excuse and not a real one that he will loose his reputation in office if he distance her. Don't allow any lady to sit at odd hours with you husband. Avoid her at bud. Tell you husband once more that you don't like any women to be close with your husband. Ask him if he really loves you to keep her a little apart. First step is to drop her from car while going to office. Ask him to arrange someother means. And when only 2 go in car any second person can't sit at rear seat since your husband will look as driver for others.Just ask your husband to change the time to little early or little late to avoid her. If he really loves you he have to keep distance from her. Let them discuss official matters no problem but don't leave them alone anywhere expect office. You avoid her completely don't talk. after some days if she ask open up your mouth directly to her if your husband too is not hearing your words.
(Rated by 8 Council Members)
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hi viki,
I am a girl and i can understand ur problem. c as far as in laws are concerned, be patient. u r not staying with them. u just talk to them on phone once a while. so let it be. That girl is definitely giving u sleepless nights but as u have mentioned that your hubby is too good i mean he is a veru good person so, u don't have to worry about it. be cool and enjoy life. let the things go as they are. and it definitely doesn't look good if the girl sits at the back seat and ur hubby is at the front after all he is not her driver. wear a cool attitude with your hubby. please don't suspect him and show your trust on him. make him believe that u trust him. if he can fight with his parents for you then he will not ignore you for anyone else
And, please look for a job and start working. keep yourself occupied.
All the best
Regards
Vani
(Rated by 9 Council Members)
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Hi Ancia,
My suggestion to you is that firstly you need to get your husband to your side ie win his trust entirely,as the odds are completely against you.Unwanted by in-laws,interesting colleague and husband losing faith in you.The thing you can correct easiest is restore trust from your husband.
The fact that he is married you a Hindu girl against his parent wishes explains how much he must love you,but overtime it has faded .Remind him how much he means to you.See he must be confused about you as he has seen wat you feel about his parents and now the same way about this lady.
SO he must be thinking of you as an insecure overjudgemental kind of person.
So start by trying to please husband(you know best how),then try being casual towards the lady(just treat her as a nosy neighbour but surpirise her by being nice to her.Slowly your Hsuband will see that you are getting over your insecurities and start listening to you.
Then at times you can signal to the lady to stay away by showing the extra bond you and your husband share.
Slowly without any discussions the situation will get sorted.
Also on the other hand you need to keep trying in case of our in-lwas.remember their b'days,anniversaries,festivals and wish them on these occasions also celebrate their festivals like you would celebrate any of the Hindu ones.
Initially they will not believe ,may even say mean things but slowly when they see you are geniunely trying to make an effort they will also melt.After all they are family.
(Rated by 8 Council Members)
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Your feeling is the outcome of several factors – which you mean negative on you – your complexion – you feel inferior to your in-laws as they are good/fair in complexion –may be you or them feel superior/inferior with this. Also you feel insecure to them because your marriage circumstances- but I think your husband loves you and care you very much. Also have no experience of overseas/western culture etc. even the Indians/south Indians while living in us and such countries automatically fall in into their culture more or less. As a new comer from our traditions and cultures, it is natural struggling to align with an opposite cultural society there. While living with/struggling with such a complex in mind – now you are facing – the involvement of a lady
who is the close friend of your husband – her un-timely visits and interference etc. in your life.
Also you are worrying that this lady will create bad name and situations for him even in his office.
I don’t think any wrongness in sitting in front seat of a car while your husband driving the car. Certain considerations and adjustments and changes in thoughts are necessary in order to have a pleasant life – in married life. Don’t make serious comments and allegation connecting your husband and that lady until and unless you find some ‘extra ordinary’ affair doubts virtually among them.
May be your comments every time and your suspecting words and actions creating some negative feeling in your husband’s mind towards you. Try to focus on improving the quality of life in your marriage. Encourage conversations that are more positive and futuristic than focusing on what has gone by. Express how you have changed with experience and situations and request your husband’s help to reduce your feeling of insecurity and inferiority complex and to make you confident enough to have a peaceful life along with him.
(Rated by 7 Council Members)
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the gal insults u n getting close n close to ur hubby,one reason of it may be that she n ur hubby r of same religion n she gets chummy with ur hubby to make u jealous,if she is a good friend of ur hubby she can equally be good friend of yours but she does not like to be a friend of urs,it shows her kunnigness,it seems that she intends to get ur hubby while creating distances between u n ur hubby.try to explore what sort of relation ur hubby is having with her,discuss this prob with ur husband seriously tell him that u r jealous of that gal n does not like her presence in ur married personal life,now parallelly u have to do another important thing,try to make a distance between the two,try such that ur hubby or her change that job,both of them should no more be colleagues,do something for it.guys do idealize their mothers very much if she resembles ur MIL then ur hubby can be go away from u more n more.show plenty of love to ur hubby try to make her understand that she insults u n this shows her kunning nature,workout on this issue wisely.
(Rated by 8 Council Members)
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I think you are confusing yourself unnecessarily. Your husband loves you and does not have any bad idea in his mind. If you keep on suspecting him and asking about this again and again, chances are there that it might become true. So leave all these rubbish things aside and love your husband. Because of your love, he will not turn to anyside.
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watch the movie mitr my friend. you will have to pick up solutions from that movie.
be friendly to that girl. tell her that she is like your nanand (sister of husband) ;) get so close to her that your husband is left out. cook only for her don't give the same meal to your husband. this is only till your husband realises. you do not have to stretch. and never confess that this was your strategy. you should look very natural.
be sure that you are not over paranoid about your mother in law that every lady you hate reminds you of her. atleast you are sure that you are not misjudging the situation.
when your husband is enjoying with her in the home be sure that you are logged on to pc causing mystery to your husband. and he should be interested in what you are doing. don't do anything wrong for him to catch you. this is just an excersice to make your husband feel that he may lose you. but be meticulous.
talk straight with that girl about your apprehensions and how she can help by staying away. but not in front of your husband. involve a friend whom you trust to do this. be very sure of this judgement.
it is your family you need to save it. slowly once you start getting grip you should tell you husband in front of the girl in the car that pls take care of your sweet sister.
if your husband says that she may spoil his reputation in office that means she is not a right lady. you need to then slowly confirm on this that did she threaten him or he is apprehending or really he is playing on your emotions.
be practical and take life as it comes. involve more people cleverly and after giving a fair chance and test to the sitation, you need to judge and act.
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Hi Ancia
I will suggest you to let this happen as it's going on but try more and more to make your husband understand your value for him, which he seems to be forgotten.
Write down all you grievances in a diary (each and everything, including your inlaws and this girl in US) and try to hide this diary from him but make sure one day he reads that diary accidentally--so basically you will have to plot this whole thing as a master plan.
Other thing you can try is to tell him that you are chatting with a very nice guy and bla bla --- keep teling him imaginary things about this imaginary guy on a regular basis -- if your husband asks you to avoid him or stop all this then tell him frankly that "IT'S THE SAME WAY I FEEL WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH THAT GIRL". And then tell him that there was no guy with whom you were chatting.
If your husband is a sensible person, he will definitely understand you if you do the above things -- as I have already tried these methods on my one of my friend who was in a similar (not exact) situation.
All the Best
Mayur
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Hi ancia mary
You have got a quite different name. Let me tell you something , i am sure it'll definitely help you. Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison. See for example you said your in laws parents insults you for your complexion. Same way you think about people in your husb's office... You said they all don't like your husb's friend's character as she has a bad head weight. So now just put both these together and know onething that everyone has different views about others. Anyone can speak anything about others. Some may come to know as what they speak, some may not. Its all the way how we handle it. As you asked you can tell that girl that you dont like her friendship with your husband but your husb says it affects him in his office. You can tell her in a polite and different way when you get to speak to her casually. Just have a chat with her and meanwhile tell her that you are very possessive on your husb in nature and you dont like if any other girl being close to him than you.You are indirectly telling her without mentioning her name. Speak in general. That way she may understand. so you put across things in a more safer way. But always remember onething in life--You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..
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Hi Viki
I think you are worried more about the girl and the worry is dominating you a lot. You said that your
husband loves you a lot. What more is needed? Just shower your love to him and make him feel that he took the right decision in marrying you. Men do not like people who keep complaining and if that comes from the wife, nothing more to harm. Rather than complaining, convey your messages indirectly but subtly. The difference in religion also plays a role, as per your in-laws. Probably, they wanted a Christian girl to be their daughter-in-law and it didn't work out. May be the colour factor plays a role here as you said. But do not worry. If you have the love of your husband, then all these are mere dust, which can be brushed away.
Since the lady in the US is powerful in position, your husband cannot say things bluntly on face. Do not worry about the lady sitting in front seat of the car etc. If she sits in the rear also, it would look as if your husband is the driver of that lady, isn't it? So keep your cool. As long as you both have the trust, no one can harm you.
For the lady visiting home at odd hours, do not lose your temper and show your frustration to her. It may backfire your husband in Office. Rather, show her that she cannot do anything towards your love by maintaining a cheerful attitude.
Remember, the Hindu woman is attributed to divinity, power and immense grace. Nothing can shake you. Go on with your prayers and keep up your cool. Talk to your husband more towards Your life rather than complaining about things. If he finds that the lady is going far beyond limit, he will take the decision at the right time. Find out if he is interested in moving to a different organization, but indirectly. Do not make him feel that he is forced to think of changing job, because of a stupid lady.
Be bold, be brave, be cheerful. All power is yours. Love your husband more.
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