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The Gate Way
-- Geetha Gopakumar

Comments From My Users

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Hi! Thank you for taking time to write. There are couple of things that I need to clarify. 1) My In laws situation. I do understand that things should be handled diplomatically etc. But where do u stop ? Do you turn to other cheek each time some thing hurtful is done to you or to your parents without your provocation? In my case, I feel I have been like that many too times in this realtionship and I suspect thats the reason things escalated to the current level. If I or my parents had stood our grounds right fron the begiinning probly things would have been different. Once or twice can be given benefit of doubt , but if it becomes a permannent fixture, then u tend to react. Most of my reactions (or I should say hurt / frustrations ) were shared with my husband but never in front of ILs when they visited us. Was that wrong? I mean u need to share / let out into some channel before u can go in and face the next round of similar scenarion next time. 2. As far as internet realtionship. My husband's case does not qulaify as an internet realtionship by your own definition above. He has met this woman twice in person and even spent a day with her when he visited her on his business trip. I have already mentioned this in my query too. He has spoken to her on the phone many times and of course there have been exchange of emails. I can never look at it as a cinema or entertainement as one person with whom I expect to share my life and raise my child, is claiming to have emotional bondage/closeness with an other woman and has no qualms about the trust he has broken in this commitment. Can you? Anyway I do understand thats your opinion and each of us have different perspective of looking at things. Thanks
-- numb   04/21/05
Hi geetha, Thanks a lot for your time and giving me solutions. But i think you mistook something. That is there was no kind of affair between him and my sister. He never said that he loves her nor they went out or something like that. It was only my sisters feelings from her side . That to i was not aware that she was so serious towards him. It was only the talk which was going around my family with their marriage. And regarding the dowry i think i have to speak with him. Hope for the best. Thanks a ton for your time in advising me. Appreciate a lot. Take Care CH.
-- Swap   04/19/05
hi, Geetha, Thanks f yr advice, the problem is he dosesn't want to involve his parents or his family members,i dont have a good support from my side, parents r not alive?he did same to his 1st wife who is spanish female and he got a daughter from her? i live in florida state.and here i didn't find any womens organisations?
-- srilekha   04/16/05
Part2. some more history: Actually we use to quarrel for her parents issues. AFter they came also, my wife preferred me to them while in delivery. The main issue I think is the communication gap between her & her father. They say her father loves very much which I dont believe. They say we dont love each other..just to make their point. we have difference but not deep. Now the problem started with some small thing..she said something wrong to them..which even i said that is her fault..and they started blackmailing that they will go back and we keep baby sitter. At that point I told my wife should not talk like that and they should not respond like that. AT that point I explained everything in blk &wht what happened in the past about the misunderstandings. As I said they know what they are doing and they are not agreed and pretend that they know nothing. I was explaining 3 ofthem wife,mil,fil. Anyway I did not sleep that whole night and next day I told them sorry not that I am wrong but by tellilng that they are our guests and as our tradition,"athidi devobava" and asked to stay and leave as normal. My wife was supporting in somethings in those arguments. Next day when I was not there,again I think my fil had an argument with her and againblack mailing her that they will go back. she called my office and asked me to book the tkts.I pacified her and came in the evening and compromised all of them. I told her to say sorry also at that time(since they are her parents). This happened at 2 months of their 6 months stay. AFter that they put all these grudge and started provoking my wife for even small difference on me. My weak point is ..I cant take blames or lies and on top of that blaming me with shouting(Eg we both work ...she say we bought home with her money..utter lie,,ofcourse she never said this to me before). so Basically we used to quarrel in front of them only..they used to watch us..though my mil is atleast better in front of me but she tells all these when I am not there. As I told I am trying to correct when 3 of them are If i would have booked the tkt I donthave toface this humility. On fil hitting me issue, my wife is of no fault at that time..,she supported me but again after couple of days of blackmailing again she is changed everything and telling I am trying to get sympathy from her. Ever after hitting, to be honest with you i talked to them...but can't kill my heart or so I came up upfront with them and said this is it. They felt insecure and again starting using her short temper on me... This whole seems funny for your guys. We both love each othe they know that...they want to divide at their cost. My father came...he wants togo back and see us united at his cost. that is difference between a bottomline. Finally my wife character, she is immature but she loves(?) me very much before. she is very short temper as her father and does not care what she is talking. Thanks for your time for reading all these.. Actually Iam getting lot of relief by writng all these and getting/taking advices as i could not keep and keep and keep in my brain. Now the thing everybody knows what they did and they dont want to agree what they have again blaming/showing others low and trying to make them good.
-- your name   04/07/05
Part1. Actually my wife pointed to this ammas thinking that I put some query. that is how I came to know about ammas. That is the reason I am putting my queries like these. In response to your following comment to Geetha Gopakumar: --------------------------------------------------- Hi I like your response. Here is my situation: we are 6yr married couple. we used to live happily(not that we dont have fights) for four yrs. After my mil/fil came our life became very bad. My fil is a very selfish/short temper/egoist person and to make himself good he will show others bad. I am from a family who is more into selfless people. I tried to change my fil by telling the facts but he knows what is doing. And he tries to get what he wants by hook or crook. At one point, I am talking/handling/explaining to three people(my wife,mil,fil). they can't win through talking b'coz I am very upfront to accept my wrongs(ifany) and show their wrongs. This I can say b'coz I am not selfish whatsoever. At one point he even hit me b'coz he cant talk to me. Then also I controlled my anger and told the same. After they left my father came and my wife gave hime 4 months of hell. Even then my father left with no grudge though sometimes he came out since he could take the blames. Now my wife is talking to my father as I am not talking to my fil. I think for far as self respect is concern..I dont think my in-law cant do more damage to me as they did now other than killing me. We both work with kids..but still lacking happiness or satisfaction in life...HOW TO MOVE FORWARD IN LIFE. Advisor Geetha Gopakumar responds as follows: -------------------------------------------- If you feel yourself wrong in some cases then it is good to accept your wrongness and convey regret for it.They can reveals them the fact that you are a man with good qualities also. I think your wife is the spirit/ ammunition behind their (your in-laws) treatment with you. I wonder on hearing physical abuse by a Fil with his Sil. Almost all these case how you feel your wife’s role. Whether she commented/objected her Fil while hitting you. If she have any feeling –at least a little percent of affection, attachment with you then she object it. If she didn’t done this means she doesn’t have in mind about you and your well being. Further I am in the clear and final stand that if your in-laws crossed the `laxman rekha’ then they are not eligible to receive respect from you. You have only the commitment and obligation, trust with your wife. Not with her parents. They are not entitled to control you – but only to advice. They should think that the welfare of their daughter is rested in your hands. Anything aggressiveness from their part will affect their daughter’s prospects. Never allow them to repeat these these type of acts.Physical abuse from any part cannot be justified. Dear frankly I am saying – in my last two and a half years of service with `Ammas’ this is the first time I happen to hear about physical abuse to a SIL by his FIL. Part 2: continues...
-- your name   04/07/05
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